FML

**Note** This is NOT meant to be an emo "let's feel bad about Zach" post, but this is taking a turn toward the personal blog (with some cultural commentary mixed in).

Today I had a total FML moment. After class and lunch, I caught the number 14 bus back to my apartment, and because the Fates have a wicked sense of humor, I sat down next to the wrong person on the bus. Without realizing it, I sat down next to a guy that I messaged on OkCupid, a guy who did not write back.

I should back up for a second, provide a little context, and discuss the significance of this. Since Marcus moved to Spain, officially putting an end to whatever the romantic dimensions of our relationship were, I have decided that I do not want to seriously date anyone at the moment. It is just not wise. I hope to be accepted into a PhD program, and I will surely be moving next fall. I do not want to start something serious until I will be somewhere for a good 4-5 years. That said, I would like to date. I like people, and as much as I LOVE my English department colleagues, it really is important for me to develop relationships with people outside of the department, even if it is just dinner or coffee for a couple hours. Thinking about these things, I updated and reinstated my OkCupid profile and decided to message some people and maybe set up a couple dates.

The curious (and horrifying) part of OkCupid, though, is that you can see who looks at your profile. That means that if I message a guy, I can see if he looks at my profile and then chooses to not respond. This is not a good thing, especially for someone like me who tends to be fragile and paranoid anyways, and this is why the 5 minutes on the bus this afternoon were utter Hell. I was sitting right next to a person who I decided was worth the stress of messaging, who looked at my profile, and who decided I was not worthy of a reply. Naturally, this would occur on a day when I felt especially unattractive, after a stressful morning meeting, and just after consuming a chicken pita on campus which seemed overloaded with garlic. Amazing. Like I said, FML.

This experience definitely made me think about OkCupid's "Stalker" feature which allows you to look at who has checked out your profile. It is an interesting tactic, but it also seems strange. I think the initial appeal of online dating was that there was a level of anonymity involved in it. You could learn about people without them actually knowing that you were reading their profile and examining their pictures for evidence of positive relationship potential. It is interesting that several sites have begun moving away from this model to construct the process as much more transparent. This rhetoric of transparency is everywhere now. I hear it from the White House and from pundits, I see it in recent theories of pedagogy, and I see it manifesting itself in all sorts of cultural production--including internet dating sites. There is definitely something to be said for transparency, for knowing what is out there. Still, sometimes opaqueness can be a lot easier. That sand just might feel warm around my fragile little head.